sporadic thought bubbles

Today I had my final driving lesson. As with all other learning activities I’ve had in my life, the approach to the finish line feels somewhat premature and undeserved. I simply cannot accept that, at this point, I am supposed to know everything I should know about wielding the monstrous machine that is the automobile. My instructor says it’s just nerves – he thinks I suffer from a severe lack of confidence that makes me NEED someone in the passenger seat to watch out for me, to nudge my steering wheel every so often, to pull on the handbrake if necessary. I think he should be a psychologist instead of a driving instructor.

It’s a little weird to hear that I am not confident in myself. I always thought I had the world fooled. Because by all appearances, I’ve managed to look like I know what I’m doing. Somehow I am able to get through life simply by “winging it”, and I’ve led people to believe that this is how it’s really done. I’m the master of facades, the queen of faking it. But I’m the worst possible kind of “all-bark-and-no-bite” because I’m in a profession that does not allow for errors of idiotic presumptions. And while I’ve gotten this far without causing any serious damage, I’ve said it before and I still feel that it holds true now: that sometimes I feel like I’m a catastrophe waiting to happen. And by perpetually, quasi-confidently, smiling my way through life, I manage to raise the expectation bar to a level that makes my potential, almost inevitable, failure a massive, gut-wrenching disappointment.

But I’m in the driver’s seat now, in more ways than one. And my deeply buried inadequacies are about to surface once and for all. I feel like hurtling too fast onto a highway of professional racecar drivers who will secretly snicker and/or curse at me behind their shiny spotless windshields. I feel like my ineptness is about to manifest itself in a colossal way, because truly, I am out of my league.

I want to tell the world I’m new at this. I want to keep putting that “student driver” sign on my license plate, to warn everyone in my path that I’m not who they think I am, that I just might be the biggest mistake they’ll ever meet. I want someone to sit beside me and stress me, second-guess me, and hold my hand so that I won’t have to suffer through this alone. But I kind of know that it’s not going to be like that anymore. It’s going to take a number of embarrassing stops and starts but we’re gonna get moving, my life and I. And this time I’m taking the wheel.

“Whatever tomorrow brings I’ll be there, with open arms and open eyes…”

My anticipation for American Idol Beatles’ Night had been building up for over a week. I grew up listening to some of the Beatles’ big hits after an accidental channel switch led me to watch a Fab Four documentary one lazy afternoon when I was about ten years old. Recently adding fuel to the fire was the movie musical "Across the Universe", which I tragically missed in theatres but thanks to my uber-thoughtful BFF i was able to get on DVD for my birthday.

That said, here were my favorites last night…

Jason Castro, because I’m heavily infatuated with him. It took tremendous amounts of maturity to prevent myself from saying I LUUURRVVV him. It’s that whole no-way-you-think-im-cool? schtick that totally gets me. And the nuances in his voice, the way it cracks just when it should, these things set him apart from the traditional Idol contestant. Granted, his "If I Fell" wasn’t the most spectacular of the night, but it was a simple song to begin with, a song that is powerful in its simplicity. It suited his voice and personality perfectly. But then I guess you could argue that he could’ve sung Kumbaya and I still woulda loved it. And you would be right.

Brooke White, because she is the female Jason Castro. Hahaha. She gives off this Carole King folksy vibe, it’s lucky she’s been consistently able to find songs that complement her image well. "Let It Be" never fails to give me the shivers, it’s uncanny. And again, there’s something in the way her voice cracks and falters at all the right places, it just made the song sound all the more pure, all the more sincere. Kudos, White girl.

Carly Smithson, because her "Come Together" was sooo bad-ass. She definitely has the confidence of a professional (probably cause she already was?), and confidence is the key ingredient to doing this song without sounding like a lame growling rocker wannabe.

These guys were not as bad as the judges said they were…

Michael Johns, because "Across the Universe" is the one of the best songs ever written and he did an okay job with it. When he was singing that first verse with his earnest Aussie eyes looking straight at me (yes, me) I felt actual ripples under my skin. Ripples, people! But his chorus was pretty average. Then again there’s only so much you can do with "Nothing’s gonna change my world" repeated four times, unless you’re…um, the Beatles. Or Fiona Apple. I liked her version too.

Ramiele Malubay, because her voice was amazing in "In My Life". Simple, clear, and controlled to every last inflection. (David Hernandez you should really take notes) If it had been Pinoy Idol or some other lame third-world imitation she woulda won the whole thing there. But since this IS American Idol and ADHD is an epidemic over there, I get how they could’ve been bored by that. I seriously wanted to kick Randy Jackson when he hesitated on whether our homegirl was good enough to survive elimination, though.

And these people, they needed to go, like yesterday.

Kristy Lee Cook. WTF??? Where are the one-toothed, banjo-playing cousins in denim overalls? Why didn’t she do the jig? How the hell was that a Lennon/McCartney song? Are you high, girl? Sniff too much hay?

Amanda Overmyer. Because every song she sings sounds the same as the last ones (like she’s choking on something), and the blond streaks are nas-ty! And why is she wearing the same outfit over and over again? If they really need a token rocker, keep David Cook instead. Sure he has some irritating hair preferences too, but he can at least sing.

David Hernandez, because he’s too pretty and they miss him at the strip club. And he has an awfully old-fashioned way of belting out big songs.

Everyone else, I forgot. But the judges are right, this is shaping up to be the best AI Season ever. Here’s hoping they sing "Strawberry Fields Forever" and "Hey Jude" tonight.

I was cleaning my room when I stumbled on two pieces of paper with the funniest covert conversation ever, from six years ago. (Uh yeah, I haven’t cleaned my room in six years, so what?) Hahaha. This must’ve been some pretty intense note-passing in a second-year med class…Patho i’m guessing?

Purple ink - Ting Tanega

Blue ink - Pat Tejada

Green ink - Natz Tan

Red ink - Ela Taruc

Brown ink (kulay jebs) - JP Tan (hehe ubos na ang colors e sorry)

——————————————————————————-

Grp. 24 Boys,

Plano? Ela bought gift na. Anymore? She’s inviting us for lunch on Wed. Or baka ako lang ang sinabihan? Ako lang ata invited? - Ting

Grp 24 Baby Girl, O? Ininvite ka sa Wed.? Kami daw bukas e, sa Fridays. Kami lang ba invited? Hehehe. - Grp 24 Boyz

Bumili na si Ela? Para sa buong Grp ba yon?

(Points to Natz’s reply) Pwede rin bili ka sarili mo!

Sama ako! Dalawa lunch ata ako invited! Special ata ako e!

But we’ll buy pa whatever. So what will we buy and how and when wil we give it?

Grp. 24 SPECIAL baby girl,

Cge, Wednesday na lang Kawawa naman si Kai kung masyado mapagastos. La pa kami maisip, pero we’re planning to buy na later. If you like, you can make sabay so we can get something kaka, right?!

Hiwalay na lang parang 2 sets. Hindi ko alam papaano. Kaw na bahala! Ok?

(Encircles HIWALAY) ??? Wala tayo pera!!! Isa gift na lang! Flower? Balloon? How?

(Underlines TAYO)

Grp. 24 special POOR baby girl,

May pera kami. Madami. Kaya nga we’re willing to share! O di ba?! Punta na lang tayo Rob later. Manlilibre daw pamangkin ni Lucio Tan.

Ok, e di ba bumili na si ela? hindi pa ba yn yon? Sino pamangkin ni Lucio Tan?

NATHANIEL TAN!

Plus JP Tan - anak sa labas!

Alam ko na, i-gift natin tong paper na to! At least we have effort diba?

Huh? Bibigay natin tong paper lang?! But Kai deserves better!!! Imagine, she has gone out of her way to surprise each and every one of us on our birthdays –> plus, mabait pa sya, matalino, maganda, well-liked… how on earth do you think matutuwa sya with what she will see here?!

(Underlines MABAIT) Pwede na to! Masaya na siya for sure!

Ano ba ang budget natin?

Ako mga 20 pesos. Ikaw natz mga 500? Okay! Pamangkin ka naman ni Lucio Tan!

Huh? Hingi na lang tayo ng donation sa kanyang mga suitors. Ok ba?

Natz and Pat,

I have to leave agad pala. Be fetching my sister at Assumption at 5. Pano yan? What can I do? I can buy anything outside Rob. - Ting

What can I buy? Cake? Ano bilin nyo?

Feb 18, 2002

Pat and Natz,

So what did you guys get for Kai? We’ll go to cafe d’angelo sa lunch to give everything. Then, alis na. - Ting

We got her a stud. Hehehe. We couldn’t find a boyfriend kasi e. Kukunin namin sya during lunchbreak.

Kai,

Ang hirap mong hanapin.

- Ela

Kai,

La lang.

- jptan

——————————————————————————-

HAHAHA! I miss you guys! =)